Theme: Reflections on Beginnings, Endings, and Containers
Today is the first of August 2021, which is literally the epitome of divine fucking timing of the universe. Let me explain further – I ended a large chapter of my life yesterday and am embarking on the beginning of the next chapter of my life today. New month – August, new week – Sunday, new day – early morning, which is all just perfectly timed as I am releasing attachment to people, places, material things and making space for intentional filling and designing of my life. No more lies, no more bullshit, no more other’s agendas…I am moving towards my dream, my ideas, and my intentionally designed life. I was chosen for the current course of my life and I am walking towards it – leaning into the uncertainty – even with fear of the unknown. I am my authentic self.
I say “walking towards” because I known in the past I have over planned thorough, procrastinated through, rushed through, and “stressed” through the transitions. Or I have not wanted “good things” to end – so I held on to the past so tightly that the past literally got in the way of experiencing my beautiful present moments AND recreated the same past stories alive and well – but with different players – in my present.
My “career” transitions – high school to college, college to graduate school (#1), graduate school (#1) to graduate school (#2), graduate school (#2) to residency/internship, residency/internship to 1st USAF position, 1st USAF position to Fellowship, Fellowship to post-fellowship position, post-fellowship position to Biloxi, Biloxi to back to same post-fellowship position, same post-fellowship position to crafting the exact fucking job of my dreams as a Clinical Health Psychologist. On top of “career” transitions – I transitioned from married since December 27th, 2013 to divorced June 2020. I am transitioning with in a personal growth from recognizing my addictions in all their forms (from interpersonal drama to coffee). Since the middle of 2019, I have begun the slow process of awakening to all the shit I have been lying to myself/others about and all the darkness I have been hiding in. It is time to transition into the spot light.
I thought transitions were supposed to suck because “change is hard.” What if change is meant to be fun? What if you slow down enough to savor all the delicious painful and beautiful human emotions of the change experiences? Do we consider change an “enemy” that we must fight against, flee from, or stay as stuck/still as possible so that it does not see us? Is this the trauma stress response to “change”? Over the next week, I will be testing this theory on myself.
Here is the plan – re-experience places where I have gone off track, given away pieces of my power or self, lost my true voice, and/or ran from the past. I am intentionally slowing down and going on a corrective emotional experience road trip – with myself. I am documenting all along the way – I am going to rely on my instincts and my own inner voice. I am doing this for me. I am not taking into consideration the opinions of others in how I “should” do this. I’m slowly moving towards my future. I am not running from the past, I am not running from myself, I release the hold on the past. I am slowly calling in the future with intent and custom design based on my soul’s true purpose. Nothing but me and my connection with the divine to guide me on my journey. I am full with love (of myself and received gratefully from the beautiful souls around me). I am ready. I am my future self. I am doing this.
Stay tuned for daily documentation – pictures and journaling!